i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
