Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
