i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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