Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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