They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
