Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
my being single is dangerous.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
