I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
