Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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