my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
