I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize