I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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