Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
