my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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