The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
So. Much. Porn.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
