don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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