I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
