You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize