She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm sobbing to NWA
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
