You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
