whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
