dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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