I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
