WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
