I think i sorta joined a cult last night
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
