So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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