Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
