Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
