your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
