I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
