put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
