I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
