I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
