I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
