im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
