Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
