i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
