Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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