My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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