Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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