Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
