I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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