My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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