oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Welp...herpes.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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