He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
