just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
