The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
