I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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