Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
