why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
