She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
