If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
