I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Dick very happy bro
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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