believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
