sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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