I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
and you fell through a lawn chair
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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