my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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