the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
