just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
