dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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