Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
